Using Artificial Intelligence to Write Is the Best Way for Closet Hair Noodles

Meaningful subtitle throbbing with self-deprecating wit and just a touch of irony

Decades ago, the invention of A.I. was inadvertently predicted by a brilliant visionary who speculated that a million monkeys tapping randomly on a million typewriters for all eternity would eventually produce the manuscript of Hamlet. Today, thanks to Artificial Intelligence, you can simply ask your favorite A.I. engine to write a five-act revenge play in iambic pentameter about a Danish prince whose father has been mysteriously poisoned and whose mom is currently boffing her creepy brother-in-law. Then, just sit back and wait a few seconds! Your version of Hamlet can include funny ghosts, hit songs, a more upbeat ending, and, instead of reciting soliloquies about existential angst, your own Prince of Denmark can wax poetic about his favorite snack foods…maybe they’re danishes!

But A.I. isn’t just for writing masterpieces such as that. There’s a lot more it can do for you!

Maybe you’re a copywriter tasked with raising funds for a political campaign. Believe me, that mountain of cash isn’t going to appear by magic — or is it? Once you tell A.I. what you want, you’ve unleashed a creative monster that’ll produce a relentless barrage of daily emails for months on end, guaranteed to elicit more guilt than twelve years of Catholic school. You’ll take full credit for such highly effective subject lines, as,

• “Bob, we know we can count on your support…or we used to think so.”

Or,

• “Bob, you cheapskate bastard, I guess America doesn’t really matter to you, does it?”

Also,

• “Go on, Bob — delete this message along with all the others, and see what happens next.”

And finally,

• “Bob, the other side wants to strip your mother naked and boil her alive, and we’re the only ones who can stop it!”

That next sound you hear will be money pouring in!

Yes, A.I. is the long-sought answer to such common writing conundrums as tedious thought-clarification, boring empathizing, and the agonizing quicksand of churning plain, everyday words into colorful sentences.

Let’s look at another example: Say you want to announce your latest scientific discovery, but you don’t have time to get a fancy degree or come up with evidence produced through endless weeks and months of research. That’s where A.I. steps in! Just tell it what you want to say, and select the “use big words” option. Presto! You get an academic-level paper suitable for publishing in many of the world’s third-tier journals. And, A.I. can produce supporting charts, graphs and diagrams — even realistic photographs — to show your readers exactly what they want to see, whether it’s a chimp with two heads, or a data expression so intimidating that even those snotty elites at the National Science Foundation will be too embarrassed to admit they can’t understand it.

Best of all, Artificial Intelligence is exactly what the name says: Fake Smarts! The kind of widely acceptable personal enhancement you can simply purchase these days, without an ounce of shame — like a penile implant, or a cabinet position. And when they ask you if you used A.I. to compose your Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, you can answer as your pal, Shakespeare, would’ve: “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some download it!”

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